I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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