I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
