Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
