Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
