Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
