the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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