i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
