My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i was born a porn star she said
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This is classic penis vs brain.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
