I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
