Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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