She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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