I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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