you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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