im having a threesome with these popsicles
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
