I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
