he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
