i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
