I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
