I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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