She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
