Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
