Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
