I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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