you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize