Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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