Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
