my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
