I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
