Why is your signature on my underwear?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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