my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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