So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
