His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
