Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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