I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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