I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Randomize
