god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
