i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
