Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
