It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
