I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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