the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
