Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
