yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
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I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
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Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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