So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
