I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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