when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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