I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize