people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
