Betty ford says i'm here all night
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
