Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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