"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
nutella sex= disaster
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
