shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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