One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
