We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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