Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
porn star boner night. come get it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
